~This
poem was originally published in Western
Humanities Review (2012).
Tourist’s Attraction
“‘But
what is it all about? People loose and at the same time caught. Caught and
loose. All these people and you don’t know what joins them up.’”
–Frankie, from
Carson McCullers’s The Member of the
Wedding
Living
by myself in this house
which
others have called home and then
not
called home, each for their own
good
reasons, reminds me to wonder
if
what I have is a tourist’s
attraction
to love. I’m reminded
how
hard a tourist falls
when
she feels herself set a little apart,
when
she feels that old ache
in
the eye, to see clear through
the
signage that drew her
in
the first place. To see through
is
her mania – to see down
to
the sacred bones of a sacred site
and
through the bones
of
the others who traveled there
(even
those who traveled with her)
and
clutter the air with their bright
t-shirts,
their voices flashing
with
a present tense
so
annoyingly unshadowed
it
won’t survive the glib back-glance
of
Tuesday. Can you blame her
for
wanting to dig down
to
a bedrock Now? But I do. I
blame
her. Looking through
has
something of a look away
in
its heart. An old desire of the young
to
strip things down – dear
things,
some – to an essence, bared like teeth
of
the no longer living.
I’m thinking
of
Machu Picchu there, if you want
to
know. The skulls, the sacrificed
virgins’
bones, the unmoved sacred stones…
It’s
on my mind because this morning I stood
out
on the porch of this house in Georgia
where
I’m living temporarily, and where
Carson
McCullers (now dead) once lived
as
a child, less (but still) temporarily,
and
I set up a card table – a pretty good copy
of
the card table my grandmother put out in the den
for
Gin Rummy with my sister and I
when
we were kids – and I sat there
on
the porch with the deck of cards
I
bought earlier this summer in Peru
for
Rummy with my sister
on
trains and in the airport,
but
today (and all week) I’ve played Solitaire
in
Georgia’s late-summer, late-morning
heat,
and on each card I slapped down,
a
new dull snapshot shone
of
Machu Picchu, blue sky
an
ageless tapestry behind it. White spackle
of
clouds. In a few, tourists
who
must each, in that moment,
have
felt the unyielding ground
supporting
their feet, the reliable arch
of
the view as it poured in like
concrete
to
meet the clarity of their eyes,
and
not known another perspective
made
them small, then guarded
by
a two of spades, a jack of clubs, a diamond,
some
hearts. It’s September now and still
nothing’s
lined up, not once,
on
the Solitaire front, so I go on
with
the contented mania
of
a slot machinist, more at home
with
disequilibrium anyway.